Weaning

Last month marked the end of an incredibly special relationship for me: after 3+ years of breastfeeding my child, we've had our last snuggle for milkies. It was time - he was losing interest and I was ready to have my body back - but I also miss starting every day with that unique closeness, and having a dedicated time for my daily Wordle...

As some of you know, breastfeeding wasn't something that came easily or naturally for us. First, we were separated when he wasn't even two days old, and even when we were reunited I didn't always have the strength to hold him for a full nursing session (I do not recommend postpartum preeclampsia to anyone - it really sucks). Plus, he was born with tongue and lip ties that went undiagnosed for two months of excruciatingly painful latches and continually bloodied nipples. And even when the ties were finally dealt with, it took us two more months of various appointments and exercises (so. many. exercises) to get to the point where he could latch and nurse close to normally. I dealt with milk supply issues thanks to his decreased ability to nurse, he dealt with weight gain issues, and I ended up pumping every single night for a long time to get him the extra milk he desperately needed.

There were many days in the beginning when I thought it would be a miracle if we made it two months, or six, much less the year I was originally aiming for. And I never dreamed I would get so good at cleaning pump parts and washing bottles. But eventually things got to the point where nursing stopped being a chore and became a very special time to slow down and just BE, together. I don't know when I realized we weren't going to stop at a year, or even at two, but I'm so glad we got as long as we did. And while I still struggle sometimes with the fact that my milk alone wasn't enough to get his growth back on track when he was little, I do give our continued breastfeeding into toddlerhood at least some of the credit for his crazy fast growth over the past couple of years.

Hobbes sharing in the nursing snuggles.

I haven't gone around broadcasting the details of our breastfeeding journey to the world, but as I've mentioned to people that we've stopped, I've gotten one question that I don't quite understand: more than one person has asked me if we're planning to have more biological children. And while I do understand how they might think this connects to breastfeeding my current kid, it just doesn't compute for me. Whether I breastfeed more children or not, I'll never have that level of intimacy with THIS child again. And that's the hardest thing to let go.

His hand wrapped around mine, his body relaxed into me, his belly filled with my milk, his breath on my breast, his life fed by mine. That's what we fought for, what we literally bled for, what we started each day with for all of his life until we suddenly didn't anymore.

I'm going to be processing that loss for while. I'm okay with that.

And yesterday I got to stay in bed until 8AM. And I'm okay with that too.