I'd rather dream of werewolves

For as long as I can recall, nearly every dream that I have remembered upon waking has been one where I knew I was dreaming. I can count on one hand the ones that weren't - when I was five, I dreamed about being eaten by a panther, and twice in college I had nasty nightmares that felt very real. Aside from those three, every other remembered dream has been a lucid one.

This has an interesting effect: what most people would think of as nightmares, I think of as exciting choose-your-own-adventures, or, if I don't feel like expending the effort to change anything, the dream equivalent of an intense movie or TV episode. I guess I should also mention that I often have repeating dreams as well, so I can make different choices each time through - if going left leads to getting mauled by a werewolf, and going right means ending up tied to a torture rack, then I'll go down the stairs instead. (See what I mean about things that most people would consider nightmares?)

Because I know my dreams aren't real, these nightmarish dream situations aren't nearly as terrifying as they could be. In fact, I get the same sort of thrill out of them that I do out of watching or reading about fictional characters being trapped or hurt or threatened. These action-adventure-thriller-horror dreams can only scare me as much as I let them, so I let them scare me just enough to make me really feel alive. It's cheaper than going bungee jumping :)

The problem is those dreams where it doesn't matter that I know I'm dreaming, because whatever I'm dreaming about really does exist in the waking world. These are my version of nightmares - dreams where holiday get-togethers turn into shouting matches, where therapists are trying to dig out my deepest secrets so they can use them against me, where I'm trying my hardest to make it through my life and everyone around me is telling me it's not good enough. It doesn't matter that I know the particular instance isn't real, because I can remember times where something very similar was.

I can wake up from a dream about a bunch of mobsters turning out to really be gigantic black werewolves that rip me and my vigilante friends to shreds, shrug, and say, "Well, that was interesting." And I can dream about being chased by vampires while dress shopping at the mall, and be more frightened by the thought of making fashion decisions than by the undead monsters hunting me. But a dream about a holiday dinner that ends in yelling and tears hangs over me for hours afterward, dredging up memories I'd rather forget. I prefer the monsters. Or the government agents trying to kill me for infiltrating a top-secret base. Those I can handle.

News flash: "Introvert" doesn't necessarily mean what you think it means

As most (or all) of you who know me have probably already figured out, I'm very much an introvert. A really, really, really introverted introvert. And yet I hate telling people that, because some of the common responses annoy me to no end.

No, I am not naturally quiet or unopinionated. My friends and family (or anyone who's ever played board games with me, for that matter) would probably laugh at that idea. It's just that when I'm around people that I don't know well, I like to think things through several times before I say them, which means I talk much less. There's an inverse correlation between how comfortable I feel around someone and how much I think before I speak, though, ranging all the way from "I don't know you at all so I'm not saying much," to "Filter? What filter?" Basically, the more you get to know me, the more you'll realize how loud and obnoxious I can be.

Yes, I really do like talking to people. Not all day every day, and not in large groups, but I love a good conversation. The comic above is a pretty good depiction of my thought process, because I'll definitely feel exhausted afterward, but that doesn't mean I won't enjoy myself in the moment, especially if I'm hanging out with people I know and love. As for strangers or passing acquaintances... well, the only way to develop a connection is to work at it. I don't like that first step much at all, but the subsequent steps get easier and easier and then you're talking for an hour and actually enjoying it! Granted, I'll need at least a full day to recover from a game night or a weekend with friends, but I generally enjoy moderate amounts of time spent with smaller numbers of people.

No, I don't mind small talk. A lot of people seem to assume introverts don't want to waste time and energy on trivial matters, but that's not me. The topics people choose when they're making small talk tell you a lot about who they are, and it's also a great place to find things that you can connect over and build from. You love superhero TV shows? Hey, so do I! What's your favorite? Why? And now you've made a connection and learned something about how that person thinks. You hate this rainy weather? Me too; I get headaches every time a front moves through. You do too? That sucks. And now you know to be extra nice to that person when the weather is nasty, because they probably need the encouragement.

Yes, I do appreciate it when you come up and talk to me. Please don't "respect my introversion" by avoiding talking to me. That just means I stand around feeling like an outsider in group situations until I can muster up the energy to go start a conversation. It's actually a lot easier for me if you initiate the contact, and then let me politely bow out when my energy reserve for the conversation has been depleted. I've had a lot of practice and I've gotten pretty good at that last part, and I'd much rather have someone talk to me when I'm not really in the mood for a long conversation than be ignored when I really would like to talk. Just be sensitive to conversational cues and don't assume I dislike you just because I bowed out rather quickly.

I'm not claiming all introverts feel this way, because generalities like that are what cause these annoying assumptions in the first place, but this is me, and now you know. So the next time someone tells you they're an introvert, spend a bit of time finding out exactly what that means for them, and what makes them feel wanted and included in this world, because it might not be what you first think.

(Comic credit: Sarah's Scribbles)