Being a normal functioning human being is harder than it looks...

To anyone who's ever been overwhelmed by simple things like getting out of bed, eating actual meals, and communicating with other human beings, know this - you are not alone.

Some days are worse than others. Some weeks are worse than others. Some months are worse than others. I happen to be over a month into a worse day/week/month/whatever right now. It's frustrating, or at least it is when I have the energy to be frustrated.

I know from experience that it will get easier again. That these downswings don't last forever. That in a week or a month or some length of time I will feel like a human being again. These things are encouraging, when I have the energy to care.

Lest anyone worry too much, I really am doing okay. This is nothing new, and nothing I don't know how to handle. I just feel like so much of the time, we hide our struggles from each other, trying to pretend that we're strong, that we have it all together. And I'm tired of that culture. I'm tired of carefully hiding what I'm going through in order to save face. This needs to change.

So here's the truth: right now, things are a little rough. My depression is flaring up, which also increases my anxiety (because comorbidity is such a wonderful thing), and if I seem more withdrawn or tired or emotional, that's probably why. Before anyone asks: no, it's not because of specific events or stressors in my life, no, there's not really anything you can do to help, and no, I don't particularly want to have any sort of prolonged conversations about this. I just want to be honest about how I'm feeling, which is not so great at the moment.

This doesn't give me license to act like a jerk or complain all the time or sit around feeling sorry for myself. But it does mean that I'd appreciate your prayers (if you pray), as well as your patience when I back out on a social engagement or don't have the energy to interact much some days.

So on those days when I duck out right after church, or converse mostly in monosyllabic sentences, or seem on edge when I run into you at the coffee shop, please know that it's not meant as a slight to you. It's entirely on me, and I hope you'll understand. And eventually, hopefully sooner rather than later, doing normal human things like existing will take less of my energy, and I'll have more to share with others.

Until then, I'll get by. God always provides. Even when life is difficult. Especially when life is difficult. Thank God for that.

2016 Reading Challenge, Part 3

So remember how I mentioned in my last book post that I was venturing into X-Files fanfic? Well, I kinda dove in and have been mainlining it for the past several weeks... This explains why it's taken me so long to read my next five books for the reading challenge - not because I wasn't reading, but because I wasn't reading in the appropriate categories. I do not regret this decision in the least.

Anyway, here are the next five books that actually counted towards the challenge. For those keeping track, that's fifteen down and thirty-seven yet to be read. Yes, I know I need to pick up the pace. Someone please come take away my access to fanfiction...

11. A trilogy (book one)

     Red Rising, by Pierce Brown

I loved the beginning (for some reason that I can't quite put my finger on, it made me think of The Moon is a Harsh Mistress), and thought the transformation section was interesting. Then I was really worried that it was going to be The Hunger Games all over again, but thankfully it turned out to be something fairly different and a lot more intriguing. I got quite attached to some of the secondary characters, which is always inadvisable since they're not guaranteed survival, but it means they were written well. Definitely looking forward to reading the next two books.   My rating: 8/10

12. A nonfiction book

     A Brief History of Time, by Stephen Hawking

This book is definitely best read a single chapter at a time, to let your mind at least attempt to absorb what you just read. There are a lot of concepts in here that are difficult and confusing to grasp. At times I had to accept that I was not going to be able to fully wrap my mind around a particular concept, glean what I could from the bit I did sort of understand, and just move on. Overall, though, I feel I now have a little bit better understanding of some of the theories about how the universe works, which is pretty cool.   My rating: 8/10

13. A book set in the future
     Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? by Philip K. Dick

Written in 1968, and set in the year 2021, this book just barely counts for this category... I love classic science fiction because it raises all sorts of questions about existence and what it means to be human and other such philosophical ideas, and this book does that very well. Don't expect answers to those questions, though (this is another thing I really enjoy about classic sci-fi: that authors seem to assume their readers are intelligent enough to draw conclusions on their own). Overall, I really liked the book. Now I need to go read some more of Philip K. Dick's work.   My rating: 8/10

14. A book that was originally written in a different language
     The Little Prince, by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Somehow, I had lived twenty-seven years of my life without ever reading this book before. I'm not sure how to put into words exactly what I loved about this book, but I definitely loved it. In fact, I read it again as soon as I finished it, because it was just that beautiful and true. It was shelved in the children's section of my library, but this is a book with the potential to speak to people of all ages, especially those who can see the elephant inside the boa constrictor.   My rating: 10/10

15. A book with antonyms in the title
     Same Kind of Different as Me, by Ron Hall and Denver Moore

I was originally thinking of reading War and Peace for this category, but I'm glad I went with this book instead. While the style of this book made it engaging and easy to read, it was also a challenging read, because it touched on some pretty big and important things. I'm not sure what else to say about this book, honestly. I liked it, mostly. It made me reevaluate some stuff about life and living. And it was definitely a tale of God at work in people's lives.   My rating: 8/10