To anyone who's ever been overwhelmed by simple things like getting out of bed, eating actual meals, and communicating with other human beings, know this - you are not alone.
Some days are worse than others. Some weeks are worse than others. Some months are worse than others. I happen to be over a month into a worse day/week/month/whatever right now. It's frustrating, or at least it is when I have the energy to be frustrated.
I know from experience that it will get easier again. That these downswings don't last forever. That in a week or a month or some length of time I will feel like a human being again. These things are encouraging, when I have the energy to care.
Lest anyone worry too much, I really am doing okay. This is nothing new, and nothing I don't know how to handle. I just feel like so much of the time, we hide our struggles from each other, trying to pretend that we're strong, that we have it all together. And I'm tired of that culture. I'm tired of carefully hiding what I'm going through in order to save face. This needs to change.
So here's the truth: right now, things are a little rough. My depression is flaring up, which also increases my anxiety (because comorbidity is such a wonderful thing), and if I seem more withdrawn or tired or emotional, that's probably why. Before anyone asks: no, it's not because of specific events or stressors in my life, no, there's not really anything you can do to help, and no, I don't particularly want to have any sort of prolonged conversations about this. I just want to be honest about how I'm feeling, which is not so great at the moment.
This doesn't give me license to act like a jerk or complain all the time or sit around feeling sorry for myself. But it does mean that I'd appreciate your prayers (if you pray), as well as your patience when I back out on a social engagement or don't have the energy to interact much some days.
So on those days when I duck out right after church, or converse mostly in monosyllabic sentences, or seem on edge when I run into you at the coffee shop, please know that it's not meant as a slight to you. It's entirely on me, and I hope you'll understand. And eventually, hopefully sooner rather than later, doing normal human things like existing will take less of my energy, and I'll have more to share with others.
Until then, I'll get by. God always provides. Even when life is difficult. Especially when life is difficult. Thank God for that.
That's rough. Thanks for the honesty, and the energy that went into writing this post.
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