There and back again: A reader's tale

"In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit."

Thus begins the tale of Bilbo's adventures, and thus begins the story of how I became a reader. Let me be clear here: my parents made sure to introduce all of us kids to books at a very young age, and I don't remember a time when I didn't love being read to. However, I can recall quite distinctly the moment I first experienced an irresistible desire to read for myself, and it all began with The Hobbit.

We were two chapters in, with Mum reading to Becca and me, and the dwarves had just narrowly escaped being eaten by trolls, thanks to Gandalf's cleverness and the rising sun. It was a good stopping spot, and the book was put away until the next day. I knew very well that I was supposed to wait and not read ahead, because Becca couldn't read well enough yet to tackle the book on her own. And yet I couldn't resist.

There was something about the world Tolkien had created which drew me in, calling to me throughout the day, until I found myself sneaking off with the book to find out what happened next. It wasn't always easy going - I was young, and there were some big words I wasn't sure about - but that didn't stop me. My imagination fully captured, I followed Bilbo across the Misty Mountains, through the depths of Mirkwood, all the way to the Lonely Mountain and the dragon inside.

Bilbo's journey there and back again left him changed, and it left me changed too. I'd found a new world full of wonder and joy and pain and sacrifice and beauty, a world that reflected the real world back to me in new ways, and made me more than I was before. Of course, I didn't fully understand this at the time, since I was only six or so. But in the years since then, as I've visited so many worlds, and looked at our own world from new perspectives, and lived a thousand lifetimes in less than one, I've come to appreciate how important that experience with The Hobbit was in shaping the person I am today. And I will be forever grateful to J.R.R. Tolkien for crafting the story and the world that transformed mine.

Life is good, and life sucks

My life is pretty good right now. I have a job that I like, one that challenges me in good ways, and gives me a reason to be productive with my time. I have Trevor, who works hard to provide for our family and is a wonderful and caring husband. We're living close to my siblings, and living somewhere with trees and hills and creeks, near a city with lots of fun stuff going on, and with a great public library system. We've found a good church, and have started to both make new friends and reconnect with old ones. We're financially stable, and decently healthy, and not currently doing any renovations on the house.

And yet my life feels kind of miserable right now.

It's hard to explain that to people. If your circumstances are tough, people understand when you're depressed, but when life is good, a lot of people don't get it. If you admit to feeling down, oftentimes people start asking questions about what's wrong in your life, trying to find a cause. Are you unhappy with your job? Family stress getting you down? Maybe the winter weather is making you depressed? Are you lonely? Struggling with a sense of self-worth? Any health problems? (Well, yes, there's a health problem. But people rarely mean mental health when they ask that.)

Now I'm not saying these aren't things that contribute to depression - I've definitely struggled with depression in the past that was strongly connected to identifiable causes. But sometimes you just feel down because your brain isn't working quite like it's supposed to. I get that it's hard for someone who's never dealt with that sort of depression to understand it, but I really wish more people would realize that those sort of questions can be more harmful than helpful when my life is actually good, but I'm still depressed.

Because let's be honest, I tend to be my own worst critic in that situation. Even though I know how this works, I get frustrated when I can't just will myself into feeling better about life, especially when life is actually fairly decent. So I don't need other people pointing out all the good things in my life and asking what there is to feel depressed about - I get it; my life is pretty good all round. Doesn't make a difference right now.

In time, I'll be able to enjoy those good things in my life again, but for now, what I really need is people who, when I say I'm feeling depressed, will say, "I'm sorry; that must suck," or, "Want to hang out and watch a movie and distract yourself?" or, "Here's a cookie." (Okay, not that last one right now, but that sort of sentiment at least.) I need people who don't make me feel guilty about myself or try to fix something that isn't fixable, but instead let me know that it's okay to feel whatever I'm feeling. I need people who will wait patiently with me until life starts feeling less miserable again. Which it will. It always does.